Most of us strive to be understanding with others, especially the people in our lives that we care about. But sometimes, without realizing it, we can begin to enable dysfunctional behaviors, when all we intended to do was help someone. So let’s talk about the difference between being understanding and enabling.
When it comes to understanding…
No one is perfect, so, at some point or another you will experience issues or disagreements. This is true for any relationship whether it is a spouse, partner, friend, family member or co-worker. Working to understand the other person is a positive step in resolving your issues.
This looks like talking through what has happened and sharing with them how it made you feel; and then asking them to share their feelings with you. It might be uncomfortable and create anxiety to face it head on, but it can help you both to see things from the other person’s perspective and take steps to avoid future issues.
If you ignore the issue or problem because you do not like conflict, you’re enabling someone to continue behaving in a way that you do not feel is acceptable. By doing this you are telling others (and yourself) that your feelings do not matter. This can only continue for so long before the relationship will start to disintegrate. If you are always ignoring or avoiding the things that cause stress for you in the relationship, then you will more than likely become resentful of them because you will have a lot of bottled up negative feelings towards them.
Conflict can actually be positive sometimes, if it is handled the right way. “Positive conflict does not mean that the conflict was good, but rather that the occurrence of that conflict led to something beneficial. Positive conflict is constructive in nature. It produces new ideas, solves continuous problems, provides an opportunity for people and teams to expand their skills, and fosters creativity.” (Conroy, Jenna. “Positive Conflict in the Workplace.” Exude inc.. May 18, 2023. www.exudeinc.com/blog/positive-conflict-in-the-workplace/#:~:text=Positive%20conflict%20is%20constructive%20in,their%20skills%2C%20and%20fosters%20creativity.)
Another way that people end up enabling others, when their intention is to be understanding or helpful, is by taking responsibility or making excuses for them.
If someone you care about is demonstrating bad behavior and doing things to upset others, you may feel an urge to defend them so that they aren’t seen in a negative light. You may go so far as to share a whole story about all the reasons this person’s behavior was justified.
The person who has been on the receiving end of the bad behavior typically doesn’t buy it, because they recognize that the behavior is inappropriate and they are not okay with it. You, however, are looking at it through the lens of someone who loves them and feels responsible for them in some way, so you aren’t really looking at it objectively.
When you make excuses for their actions you are telling others that they should be okay with being treated poorly, and you are telling the person that it’s not a problem; therefore, enabling them to continue the bad behavior.
You can be understanding while still holding someone accountable for their bad behavior.
Have a conversation with them and let them know that their actions are hurtful to others or causing problems, while also acknowledging that you still love and care about them and want to help them. Maybe their behavior was triggered by an event or problem in their life that is unresolved and you can help them identify that trigger.
Letting them know that you understand but don’t condone the inappropriate behavior, is a positive approach that doesn’t enable them to keep doing it over and over.
Demonstrating understanding and grace for others is a positive thing and you should not be afraid to offer that to others.
However, it’s important to set boundaries and hold people accountable when those boundaries are crossed. Letting people repeatedly disregard boundaries will only enable them to continue to do it and you and those around them are left dealing with the consequences.
Do you find yourself enabling others and don’t feel like you are emotionally equipped to hold them accountable or hold your own boundaries? If so, we can help. Contact us.
