If your kid is angry, more than likely there is something deeper going on. Anger is usually a reaction to other feelings, what you see may look like anger, but in reality, that emotion is secondary to what is really happening inside of them. So it doesn’t mean that they are a bad kid or that you are a bad parent, it means they need help regulating the emotion or issue that is the root cause of the anger. Let’s talk about what that may be.
Overwhelmed by Emotions
Emotions are hard to deal with sometimes, even for adults, and it takes time to learn how to manage them and appropriately express them. Kids can really struggle with strong emotions like fear, sadness and frustration (just to name a few) because they may not be able to identify them and share them with you. They don’t have the tools to work through those emotions yet, and that can lead to them coming out as anger.
It’s important to have conversations with your kids about different emotions and teach them healthy ways to cope with them. Show them positive techniques that can help them like taking deep breaths, counting, drawing, etc. Also encourage them to try to put their feelings into words and emphasize that they can always talk to you about how they are feeling.
“Being an emotionally intelligent parent means you see challenging behaviour as dysregulation driven by overwhelming emotions.” (Pinto, Stephanie [emotionally.intelligent.parent]. “An Angry Child.” *Instagram, January 4, 2025, www.instagram.com/p/DEZOykETw-n/?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==)
If you know there is a situation coming up or currently happening that can create stress for them, like a move to a new home or new school, a new baby coming, or another big change in their life, prepare them ahead of time by talking to them about it and checking in with them to see how they are handling it.
Lack of Independence
Kids usually desire independence and want to do things themselves. Sometimes kids want to do things on their own that they are not ready for or able to do, and that is frustrating to them because they feel powerless. This can lead to anger within themselves because they can’t do something, or anger directed at you because they feel like you are not allowing them to do something.
It can be very frustrating to feel powerless and built up frustrations can fuel an angry outburst. They aren’t able to connect those feelings of frustration that come from having to depend on their parents or someone else, to the angry behaviors that surface; but there may be signs that clue you in to it. If they are having a hard time with something and they can’t seem to manage or control a situation without your help (like homework, tying their shoes, dealing with a social situation), their emotional and/or behavioral response may be anger.
Sensory Issues
Some children have trouble processing the information they receive from their senses. Hypersensitive kids can get overwhelmed easily, and as a result they may display behaviors that seem inappropriate for the situation, such as angry outbursts.
“Some children have trouble processing the information they are taking in through their senses. Things like too much noise, crowds and even “scratchy” clothes can make them anxious, uncomfortable, or overwhelmed.” (Lopes, Vasco & Shuldiner, Marc. “Angry Kids: Dealing with Explosive Behavior.” Childmind.org. March 17, 2025. www.childmind.org/article/angry-kids-dealing-with-explosive-behavior/)
Parents may notice as early as the toddler years, that their child has an unusual dislike of things like light or noise, or maybe their shoes or clothes. When a child has trouble processing things through their senses they can become overwhelmed and confused, which can lead to an angry outburst.
Understanding their sensitives and triggers is key, then you can help to reduce overstimulation. Helping them learn to self-regulate using strategies like breathing exercises can give them a positive way to cope, which will hopefully eliminate outbursts or tantrums.
It can be hard not to react to the actual anger or angry behavior that your child exhibits, but if you practice seeing the anger for what it really is you can redirect and support your kid. Focus on helping them name their emotions, teaching them calming strategies and modeling healthy ways to deal with anger.
Understand that you won’t respond perfectly every time, and that’s okay. If you need additional support to help your child deal with anger, contact us, we can help!
