One of the most important things to understand in relationships is your attachment style. It demystifies so much. When you don’t know your attachment style, things you do and feel in your relationships either feel very personal about your partner or about yourself.
For example: if you have an anxious attachment and don’t know it, it can feel like your partner doesn’t care about you or is not communicating enough. Or you can feel hopeless, damaged, like you are too much because every partner seems like they can’t meet your needs. When you understand the anxious attachment style (in this case), it puts you in the driver’s seat of being able to work toward healthier and more satisfying relationships.
It’s interesting to see that attachment styles don’t only play out in romantic relationships, they play out in friendships, work environments, how you relate to money, and so on.
While entire books are written about this and there are extensive resources, we want to create a quick guide for these main attachment styles (there are also multiple nuanced variations) that will help you see where your attachment style tends to be and hopefully help you navigate your relationships in a healthy way.
“Founded by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory outlines how your bond with your primary caregivers sets the foundation for how you navigate relationships throughout life.”
There are four types of attachment types for adults. They are:
Anxious
Avoidant
Disorganized
Secure
Anxious
This type is sometimes also referred to as ‘preoccupied’ and it is considered an insecure attachment style. A lot of times people that fall in this category place a great amount of value on their relationship but they worry that their partner does not hold it to the same standard of value that they do.
They have a fear of their partner leaving them so they need a lot of responsiveness and reassurance to feel secure. If they don’t feel that they are getting adequate attention or response from their partner they may become clingy and may seem desperate.
“The thought of living without the partner (or being alone in general) causes high levels of anxiety. People with this type of attachment typically have a negative self-image, while having a positive view of others.”
Avoidant
Sometimes this person can be called dismissive. Individuals with this type of attachment style are emotionally strong and independent. They are self-reliant and don’t look to others to meet their needs. They have a positive view of themselves and they may be described as emotionally unavailable.
“People with an avoidant attachment style tend to have trouble getting close to others or trusting others in relationships, because they ultimately don’t believe their needs can get met in a relationship.
Anxious Avoidant
This attachment style is a combination of the anxious and avoidant; it is sometimes referred to as ‘disorganized’ because their behavior can go back and forth between two types and from one extreme to the other. They seem to want two different things, sometimes there is a desire for closeness and sometimes they do not want to be bound to someone in a close relationship.
“People with fearful-avoidant attachment both desperately crave affection and want to avoid it at all costs. They’re reluctant to develop a close romantic relationship, yet at the same time, they feel a dire need to feel loved by others.”
It is hard for these individuals to keep their emotions in check and they fear getting hurt so they may put up walls that make it hard to build intimacy.
Secure
People with a secure attachment style are comfortable sharing their emotions within a relationship. They build relationships that establish each partner as equals and share the load of giving and accepting support. These individuals grow and prosper emotionally in a relationship but they are not afraid of being alone. They don’t need constant validation and if their partner needs a little space, they are okay with that.
Signs of a secure attachment style include:
- ability to regulate your emotions
- easily trusting others
- effective communication skills
- ability to seek emotional support
- comfortable being alone
- comfortable in close relationships
- ability to self-reflect in partnerships
- being easy to connect with
- ability to manage conflict well
- high self-esteem
- ability to be emotionally available
Once you identify and understand your attachment style, you can begin work on overcoming any barriers it may cause in your relationships. It is possible for people to change attachment styles if they are serious about making the effort to do so. You can also change naturally, sometimes you change with age and life experience and sometimes due to being in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style which helps you transition.
If you need to work through some barriers in your relationships that may be caused by an insecure attachment style contact us, we can help.
