Before becoming a parent you may think you know what type of parent you will be and how you will handle the ups and down that come along with this very important role. But you may quickly realize as a new parent that regulating your own emotions can sometimes be more of a challenge than helping your child regulate theirs. It will be necessary to do some inner work because the work you do on yourself around your parenting will be the most valuable investment you make in your kids. Let’s talk about some of the work you can do.
Triggers
It’s inevitable, your child will trigger you, and that’s okay. There are lots of behaviors that your child can exhibit that are triggering to you like a tantrum or meltdown, a disrespectful tone of voice, ignoring you, etc. Noticing or acknowledging that you are triggered is the starting point, then you can move into how you can address it.
When you are triggered you will probably feel yourself start to get tense, your heart rate may increase, and you might make snap judgements and/or decisions. Once you recognize these signs, take a minute to regulate your emotions and nervous system – attend to the trigger before you address the behavior.
Jessica Milburn from responsive_parenting shares, “… in order to meet my child’s needs. In order to really hear what they are trying to say, I need to respond to my trigger first. Or else, they will not get what they need from me and I very likely will escalate the situation instead, despite every effort to appear calm.”
If you are aware of your triggers and conscious of how you typically react when you are triggered, you can manage them and make better choices when you are in the moment with your child.
Managing Emotions
Adults understand that children usually act out because they do not know how to manage their emotions; they have these big feelings and instead of calmly sharing them with you they are more likely to throw a tantrum. But as an adult, you may also struggle to manage your emotions in a positive way. You probably don’t throw tantrums but you may lash out in anger at your kids, use guilt or shame to control them or invalidate their feelings.
If positive ways to cope with emotions were not modeled to you growing up you might not know another way. These habits may not have had an impact on others before becoming a parent but once you are one, they could definitely have a negative impact on your kids.
If you have younger children, they are not immune to the effect of your emotions. They are often unable to verbalize their negative feelings so they display them by acting out.
(Ellis, Gena. “How a Parent’s Emotions Can Affect Their Child.” First Things First. September 24, 2020, firstthings.org/how-a-parents-emotions-can-affect-their-child/)
In order to pass on healthy coping techniques to your kids and teach them how to positively manage their emotions, you have to learn how to practice it yourself.
Show your kids that having lots of different emotions is normal and it’s okay. They need to know that it’s how they respond to those feelings and emotions that matters. If they see you respond in positive ways to your own emotions they will learn from you. They are always watching.
Teaching them emotional maturity when they are young can be very helpful to them as adults. We discussed how to instill emotional maturity in your kids in a previous post, read it here.
Personal Development & Self-Care
Successful CEOs got to where they are through continually developing themselves. They didn’t wake up with all the knowledge and skills they needed to do what they do, they had to continually invest in themselves and their personal development. It’s the same with parenting. You won’t ever be perfect (and you don’t need to be!) but you can do some things to develop on a personal level that will help you navigate your role as a parent.
You may feel selfish if you take time for yourself but it’s actually a sign of loving your child and wanting what’s best for them. If you burn out you will not be able to give your child what they need. Burn out as a parent? Yes, our parenting expert, Chelsea Derossi, MFT, ATR wrote about 6 Ways to Cope with Parental Burnout here. Whether it is listening to a parenting podcast or treating yourself to a massage or other special treat, your parenting will always benefit from that time of personal development or self-care.
You are going to make mistakes as a parent and in lots of ways you are growing up right along with your kids. You are not alone in your struggles, every parent experiences highs and lows and questions if they are a good parent. If you take the time to invest in yourself and commit to working on yourself, you will be able to get the job done. If you need more help or parenting advice, contact us.
