Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Contrary to what some people believe, the baby blues and postpartum depression are not the same. Although they are both common, they can be different when it comes to how intense the symptoms are and how long they last. Let’s break it down and identify …
Maybe you have recently had some time off and your routine has been different because your family has been in holiday mode; but now it’s time to get back into your groove. This is actually a great time to reflect on what parts of your …
There’s a lot of pop mental health advice floating around on social media these days and I’m totally here for it…well, some of it. Should we be more informed about trauma, emotional intelligence, relationship dynamics and attachment issues? Yes,100%!
Although it can be beneficial, there are some times when this is actually enabling you. Let’s look at a couple of examples:
Setting boundaries is important for your mental health and we talk about this frequently on the blog. But when a boundary turns into avoidance, it can actually be a negative thing.
When you are in recovery or working through trauma there will be various stages of coping, healing and growing. “At first, you may need to avoid certain situations because they are triggering, but at a certain point it may be helpful to face those situations so that you don’t have to avoid them forever.” (White, Amanda [therapyforwomen]. “5 Signs Your Boundaries are Actually Avoidance”. * Instagram, May 16, 2023, www.instagram.com/p/CsUbHLFOPi9/?igshid=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ%3D%3D&img_index=2)
How do you know your boundaries are actually avoidance? Here are a couple signs:
(White, Amanda [therapyforwomen]. “5 Signs Your Boundaries are Actually Avoidance”. * Instagram, May 16, 2023, www.instagram.com/p/CsUbHLFOPi9/?igshid=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ%3D%3D&img_index=2)
Boundaries can be a personal challenge that presents in a variety of situations and then there are specific challenges surrounding relationships like fear of intimacy.
If you have been hurt in relationships in the past then you may avoid intimacy in your future relationships to protect yourself. This may be hard to admit, or you may not even realize you’re doing this. You may just chalk up the avoidance to having ‘high standards’ or the fact that you want to ensure that the person meets all the qualifications you think they need to be a good match for you.
“A subconscious fear of intimacy, can, on the surface, look like knowing what you want in a partner and not “settling” for anything less…when it’s really a way to avoid the messiness and vulnerability of a healthy, loving relationship.” (O’Brien, Lindsay [thereallovealchemist]. “A Fear of Intimacy Can Look Like Having High Expectations for a Partner”. * Instagram, November 14, 2023, www.instagram.com/p/CzohB0Us_6T/?igshid=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ%3D%3D&img_index=6)
In reality, no one is perfect and you may never find someone who meets all of your qualifications or standards. But that shouldn’t stop you from pursuing a deeper connection with someone if they could be right for you.
Facing your fear of intimacy can ultimately lead to a long lasting, healthy relationship. That doesn’t mean it won’t take some work on both your part and your partner’s part, but all good things require some work.
In addition to these personal challenges around boundaries and relationship challenges related to intimacy; there are also parenting challenges that we need to be informed about.
Teaching your child how to regulate their emotions is one of the most important things you can teach them because it will be a useful tool for them not only in childhood but through every stage of their life. We talked about this in a previous post HERE.
You can let your child know that you understand the emotions they are experiencing, but it’s important to go a step further and help them learn to cope with those emotions in a way that is positive and does not lead to negative behaviors.
What ends up happening is if you are only understanding and compassionate, you are living in an environment where a young psyche and emotional system are in charge. And that is too much power for your child to hold. That will result in entitlement, disrespectful behavior or anxiety because their emotions are not able to be held by them or by you.
“Regulation isn’t natural. It’s taught. Emotions are instinctive but handling them is a language that is imparted.”
Healthy coping mechanisms can be taught at a young age and once learned they will contribute to the overall emotional intelligence of your child.
So even though it is possible to find helpful mental health advice online, there is also a risk that some of it may actually be enabling and not so helpful. That’s why it’s important to always dig a little deeper and make sure the advice you are taking is actually correct for you.
When you think about therapy, more than likely, you think about a traditional therapy session with someone sitting on a couch and talking to a professional. However, therapy can include more than just talking and sometimes art can be used as a tool for a …
Whether you are an expectant mother, a new mother or just thinking about trying to conceive, learning about perinatal therapy may be a good idea. The journey of motherhood, at all stages, is a happy one but it can also be stressful and trigger a …
It’s only recently that emotional maturity has been the focus of attention and this is great news. Emotional immaturity has been the cause of so much distress in our lives and relationships and now we are learning to do better.
The operative word is learning!
Check out some of the indicators of emotional maturity and emotional immaturity to see where there could be emotional immaturity sneaking around causing some underlying stress.
“Emotional maturity means having the self-control to manage your emotions and work to understand them.” (Eatough, Erin. “Connect with your emotions: how to improve emotional maturity”. betterup.com. November, 25, 2022. www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-be-emotionally-mature)
If someone is emotionally mature then they recognize that feelings and emotions are important and nothing to be ashamed of or ignore; and they don’t think it makes them a weak person to acknowledge this.
For most people this doesn’t come naturally and it takes some work to get to a point where this perspective is the norm. It can be a process, and that’s okay. This is common for most self-improvement journeys and with age and experience it can become a little easier, but anyone at any age can take steps towards, and be successful at, becoming more emotionally mature if they put in the effort.
“Emotional immaturity is a person’s inability to express or cope with emotions that are serious in nature. People who are emotionally immature may also overreact to situations or have trouble controlling their emotions.” (Bottaro, Angelica. “Warning Signs of Emotional Immaturity”. verwellhealth.com. March, 25, 2022. www.verywellhealth.com/emotional-immaturity-warning-signs)
People who are emotionally immature usually have trouble connecting with others. It will present in a variety of ways such as how they think, their behaviors and the way they communicate with others.
They may go from 0-100 on an emotional scale very quickly. If things don’t go their way they may react impulsively and end up saying or doing something hurtful. Or they may hide their emotions because they struggle to express them altogether.
Developing emotional maturity will have a positive effect on you in your everyday life, here’s how you will see it show up:
(www.verywellhealth.com/emotional-immaturity-warning-signs)
Dr. Nicole LePera (@the.holistic.psychologist) shares some steps on how to become more emotionally mature and she emphasizes that people can develop emotional maturity at any age. Here are a few:
When it comes to emotional maturity a lot of it centers around being comfortable with and secure with yourself. This can take time so you shouldn’t expect it to happen overnight.
It also means taking responsibility for your thoughts, behaviors and actions, learning and growing through them and committing to moving towards a more growth oriented outlook.
If you find yourself getting easily upset, overly angry, or lashing out at others when things don’t go your way or you are disappointed, then it might be time to focus on taking your emotional maturity to the next level. It will take time but with intentional practice you can move into a more constructive, mature place with your emotions.
One of the most important things to understand in relationships is your attachment style. It demystifies so much. When you don’t know your attachment style, things you do and feel in your relationships either feel very personal about your partner or about yourself. For example: …
Asking a child to be “good” or telling them to be “good” slips out so easily. It’s just so ingrained in us to use these words, and the truth is they are words that carry some really strong conditioning that we don’t even know is …
If you find yourself being long winded, can’t fit your written response into the allotted space, you use lots of parentheses when you write, you find the need to explain every no or if someone double texts or emails you because you didn’t respond… this blog is for you.
Over-explaining can be used to cope; it’s a strategy that some find effective to alleviate stress or uncomfortable feelings in a situation. There are lots of reasons why one may develop this coping strategy but first let’s talk about what it means to over-explain.
Over-explaining is when a person is unable to state things without going into great detail or giving reasons to support their statement. It’s true that some statements need more detail or explanation, but if you cannot share simple things or basic answers without giving in to the urge to support your case, then you may be over-explaining.
Maybe you’re late to an event or to meet up with a friend and instead of just saying, “I’m sorry I was late” or “Thank you for being patient” you feel obligated to list all the things that happened that morning to contribute to you getting off your schedule.
Or maybe something upsets you and instead of just walking away from the situation, kindly communicating a boundary or simply stating your needs , you apologize for being upset and give the circumstances behind why it was upsetting to you, hoping that someone will understand and forgive you for being upset.
Feeling like you have to over-explain to make sure someone believes you or accepts you is a learned behavior. It can come from your childhood where “You learned that love + acceptance is conditional upon being understood” (Peters, J [@jenpeters_soulguide_healer]. (2022, December 11). Did you know that over-explaining is a coping mechanism? Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/CmDOetzyw93/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y%3D)
Over-explaining is usually done unconsciously as a way to control anxiety.
Most people want the approval of others and don’t want to let people down, so they attempt to avoid judgment and/or disappointing people by explaining things in great detail to make them understand why they did or said something.
If you tend to over-explain, you’ll usually feel less anxious about sharing things that may be uncomfortable or may trigger a negative response if you can share details that will explain the reasons behind something, which can then lead to oversharing.
You may over-explain things because you want to justify your decision or response to something, because you want to keep peace between you and another person, because you feel like you have to defend yourself or your actions, or because you just want to make sure you are being honest and don’t leave room for someone to interpret your words or feelings in the wrong way.
Dr. Caroline Leaf explains, “Perhaps you tend to over-explain because someone in your past made you feel everything is your fault, no matter what, and you feel the need to defend yourself, or it may bother you if you disappoint someone in your life and you use over-explaining to compensate.” (Dr.Leaf.com | How Over-Explaining is Linked to Trauma + Strategies to Find the Root & Heal | Dr. Caroline Leaf; September 05, 2021)
Over-explaining can be considered a fawn trauma response. Fawning is when a person engages in people-pleasing behaviors in order to avoid conflict. Learn more about the fawn response in a past blog we shared HERE.
You can break the cycle of over-explaining but it will take time and effort to develop new ways to cope.
Recognizing that you over-explain is the first step to changing the behavior. It may take time and reflection to determine whether you do this, but once you do, you can take steps to move forward and use other coping strategies.
It’s important to determine why you feel the need to over-explain so that you can take the proper steps to heal from the past trauma that may have led to this response. If over-explaining helped ease your uncomfortable feelings and anxiety, you can’t just stop over-explaining without having a new coping strategy to replace it or awareness of the root as it’ll find expression elsewhere.
Practicing mindfulness can be a good way to reduce anxiety in situations when you feel the need to over-explain yourself. Mindfulness can help you manage strong emotions by focusing on your breathing, your body and your senses. (Learn More HERE). Instead of over-explaining you can focus on breathing techniques when you start to feel uneasy or compelled to keep talking.
Take your time when you are sharing information or responding to people. Pause and think through what you want to say so that your brain doesn’t get ahead of you which leads to you saying things that are not thoughtfully planned.
Plan ahead for situations that you know will be stressful or trigger feelings that cause you to want to over-explain. Get to know yourself and when you tend to over explain. Is it to your boss when they ask about a project or task? Is it to friends when you need to cancel or reschedule?
Practice how you’ll answer questions or what information you’ll share with others so that you are comfortable with what you want to share. If you find yourself wanting to share more, remind yourself that you don’t have to give more information than what you practiced when you were alone.
Social media, whether we like it or not, has an impact on the therapy world. In therapy, we often educate our clients about mental health, family dynamics, and emotional wellness. We normalize and validate experiences to create a platform for the work you come to …