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You read that correctly. A sheep in wolf’s clothing. Jealousy gets villainized. It is regarded as unbecoming. And, I get that. But let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater… This post is #8 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and …
No one enjoys feeling guilty. It might be hard to believe there could be anything helpful about it. There is. It tells you something about the kind of person you are. There is even actually something helpful about shame, which seems like a relative of …
But, really, the fact that you feel guilty about getting annoyed a lot reveals that is not your true nature. You see, guilt is an indication that you have travelled outside the range of your values, ethics and true essence. So, if you felt it was right, you wouldn’t feel guilty. Make sense?
I’ll tell you more about guilt in the next couple weeks. Stay tuned. Better yet, subscribe and make sure you don’t miss it.
This post is #5 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages.
Each emotion has a general message it wants to convey. Once that message is delivered, the emotion or the wave of that emotion can be processed.
Sometimes there are multiple waves of the emotion. Sometimes it takes a little time for the emotion to process through the body, sometimes it is relieved right away.
It’s important to remember that there are nuances to the system. Each emotion also has a spectrum of how helpful it can be.
Your irritation is telling you that you need space.
It seems too simple, right? But think about it. When you are annoyed, if you are like me, you are super unpleasant. Your tone, your face, your body language are not nice and other people don’t like it. YOU don’t like it. It is pushing you to get away from whatever is causing the irritation and other people don’t want to be around you. As a result, it works on the most basic of levels.
In addition, irritation can be really unexpected. Like, obviously people talking super loud on their cell phone in a public space is annoying. But, it doesn’t seem rational to be irritated by someone giving you loving attention. But, I promise, whatever it is. It’s real to you. Otherwise you wouldn’t be annoyed.
Line up 100 people, expose them to the irritant and the majority would be annoyed.
Yup, things you would normally find pleasant or delightful might become annoying when you are stressed: music, being touched, being needed, talking with a loved one, children playing and laughing. Most likely, whatever is overwhleming you just needs your attention and the stress cycle needs to resolve in your body.
Before you judge yourself for being a horrible person because you are annoyed about the puppy video your best friend sent you or that your grandmother called to say hello, just realize this is a short term situation. When you look back at it tomorrow or when your stress comes down, you will see with clear eyes.
Unknowingly, something you are sensitive about got activated. Want to know more about this? Check out this post.
Stress can fill up a room. If you are an empath or just an intuitive person, you will just take that on as if it is your own (with zero awareness that it is not yours) and, consequently, act it out. If you find yourself thinking “what is my problem???“, that might be a clue that it isn’t yours.
This is a thing. Proven by actual research. 15-20% of the population is Highly Sensitive. It means that your nervous system is wired differently. You are prone to feeling overstimulated, you process things deeply, you notice subtleties and you are empathic. When you get overstimulated, you likely need time to be alone to reduce the stimulation and process what has happened (even if you don’t feel like you are consciously “processing” anything).
So, if you don’t know you are an HSP, you probably need a lot more space than you think you should need so you spend a lot of time being irritated. You are not a monster. You are just highly sensitive. As a result, if you can meet your needs for space directly and balance your life according to that need for space, you will find yourself being more pleasant.
It might take some time to get your head around exactly how much space you need as opposed to others who are not HSPs. It does help to learn more about being an HSP so you can be more compassionate toward yourself about it.
Just because you accept that you need a million miles of space today doesn’t mean you will always need that. Your body just has to TRUST that you will listen. Furthermore, you need to practice metabolizing the stress of irritation through your body.
It doesn’t take as long as you think. If you catch it earlier in the process (that means when you are only a little annoyed vs super annoyed), you will be able to process it faster. Plus, the more you practice, the more efficient you will be.
Finally, the more you “hate” your irritation, the more you unpleasantness you have to manage within yourself. If you can just try to accept it, you will do less work in the long run and you will get further faster. Metafeelings (how you feel about how you feel) are half the battle.
Let them know you are working on being less irritable. They might like this idea. Let them know you might do things (put in headphones or go in the other room) or ask for things (like space or extra time to process) that might not make sense to them.
Let them know your irritation is NOT ABOUT THEM. Because it isn’t. Mostly, it has to do with you being able to meet your own needs at the time your irritation arises. It might take repeated assurances to realize it truly isn’t about them. Be liberal with your reassurance. That will probably help them allow you the space you need without getting upset or taking it personal.
I know this seems obvious. But sometimes we get addicted to dynamics, even though they are unpleasant. So we think about taking the space, but don’t actually do it. Familiarity is seductive. Fight that temptation to think “it’s not that big of a deal” and just take the space.
You might need less time than you think you need, but take it. DO NOT try to muscle through it. Your irritation will come out sideways and then you will confirm to yourself that you are, in fact, an asshole. Which you are not. But it will make you feel that way.
Take your irritation as an opportunity to figure out what buttons are being pushed or if you are a Highly Sensitive Person or if there is something that is just a pet peeve. And then solve around that.
If it is a bigger issue like a trigger from the past, don’t be shy to work with a therapist. When people come to me without a crisis and a genuine willingness to work through an issue, therapy is highly effective.
If it is something like being highly stressed, sit down and figure out some ways you can support yourself through this time of overwhelm. There are different kinds of stress and each one needs a slightly different approach. Learn about that here.
You can learn through this. Take it seriously and you will get through it. On the other side, you have closer and more satisfying relationships. And you will have more PEACE. Yessssss.
Be willing to let the irritation cycle through your body. You do not need to hang on to it if you have done a good job of listening to it and taking care of yourself.
The one that works best for me is to separate myself from the situation, make sure I’m willing to let go of my irritability (I’m not always!) and then take three cleansing breaths. Once I do that, I take my mind somewhere else, like reading something interesting, looking at social media, watching animal videos. This is if my irritation is pretty intense.
If it is showing up only a tiny bit, I just name it (like call it out) and that makes it go down. Sometimes, if I can, I try to make fun of myself for it. If I am light hearted about it, the person I am with can be as well. Laughing also helps it move through my body.
What works for you might be different. But, at least this is a starting place.
Tell me your revelations in the comments. Share because it always helps us to know we are not the only ones!!
If you would like support understanding and managing your irritation, we are here to support you. Contact us! We offer counseling to anyone in the state of California via Telehealth.
There doesn’t seem to be anything redeeming about disappointment. It’s not exactly a feeling one appreciates. But there actually IS a gift inherent in disappointment. This post is #4 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages. The central point is: The human …
I know, being sad is a bummer. Most people don’t want to sign up for experiencing sadness. It’s not exactly pleasant. However, sadness is actually an important part of the human experience. Just like it is important that our cells die off and replace themselves. …
Each emotion has a general message it wants to convey. Once that message is delivered, the emotion or the wave of that emotion can subside.
Sometimes it takes a little time for the emotion to process through the body, sometimes it is relieved right away.
It’s important to remember that here are nuances to the system. Each emotion also has a spectrum of how helpful it is. And, anger isn’t always “right” just because it shows up.
I will cover that, but let’s start with the basic message first.
Let’s be honest, anger gets a bad rap. Usually because it is mishandled. Anger is not a problem at all. In fact, it has a very important job.
It provides protection in two ways:
You might not have know about that boundary before, but the anger points out that the boundary exists for you. Just as easily, you might have known about it.
Anger is an extrovert, OK? It does not like to travel alone. If you picture a car, anger is the driver and there is always a passenger. Anger is the driver because it is strong, decisive and very energetic.
Anger helps us be able to do or say things that we normally don’t do or say. That is what normally gets people in trouble.
If you try to push initial anger away or hold it back when it first shows up, then it breaks the dam and that is when our anger gets us in trouble because it is like an explosion. It is out of control and can end up hurting people.
That means it could escalate quickly and take us into our reptilian brain, bypassing all of our resources of willpower, discipline, insight. That little trip to the primitive structures of the brain could cost us a lot. There are things that cannot be unsaid or undone that occur in a rage.
Anger is accurate to your thoughts. So it is crucial to check your thoughts or perception before you get super angry. You might literally be wasting your time and energy being upset about something that is not real.
Anger generates a lot of energy that we feel compelled to discharge. There is a reason for that. The energy is a strong propeller to help us do or say things that we normally wouldn’t.
Think about a beer when it freshly poured. You know the foam on top? That is the anger. The important message about the boundary crossing or more vulnerable emotion is the beer. You don’t drink the beer for the foam usually, you are trying to drink the actual beer. But you have to let the foam settle or graze it off the top to get to what you are really going for. Same thing with anger.
You are going to have to let it settle or discharge it physically somehow to get to the important feeling underneath. Getting through that top layer will also help you find a way to communicate productively about it rather than saying or doing things that will cause harm to yourself or others.
We know it’s noble intention: it is a protection system. We want to preserve that helpful job it does by managing it well.
Make sure it is timely (communicated at a time when the other person can hear it), true, communicated kindly and helpful (will the other person or your relationship benefit from hearing your communication?).
Willingness. It is the one thing that determines how successful my clients are in therapy, and ultimately, in their life. Why? Because it is a state of openness. Ultimately, if there is a challenge showing up, it is happening because there is an adjustment needed. …
Why is dealing with tears so hard sometimes? People apologize for their tears in therapy all the time. They say “I told myself I wasn’t going to cry today”. Or I will see them actively try to stop their tears. And this is IN THERAPY. …
In the personal growth world, there is a lot of talk about boundaries.
First of all, what are they?
They are the rules between people about how they interact with one another. They can be set overtly. Or they are just silent agreements that occur as your relationship develops.
Through your feelings and actions.
For example, if you get mad at your partner for not doing the dishes, you are setting the boundary that it is not OK with you that they are not doing their fair share. However, consider that some ways of setting boundaries are more effective than others.
If you are truly not OK with your partner not doing their dishes, let them know in a clear way with your words and actions. If you don’t like it, but it is not a big enough deal to commit to some discomfort to change this dynamic, work on accepting the situation. When you are clear you want to change, you could say something like: “hey, I don’t like it when there are always dishes in the sink, can we figure out a way to solve this?” Then actually brainstorm and figure out a plan. Then test it out, update the agreement if you need to.
Of course, you might have to take things further and designate plates that only you use if your partner wants to test out how serious you are and leave the dishes for a week. You will have to figure out what works best in your home. But commit to there being a solution.
If you just huff and puff while you are washing the dishes, then make an underhanded comment about how doing the dishes “isn’t that hard”, that isn’t really effective. You are pretty much signing up for more of the same because your boundary setting strategy is not direct or clear. You are throwing out a “cooked spaghetti” boundary: super flimsy. And you are adding an insult in there. People don’t take kindly to that. They get offended.
For example, you want your teenager to get up for school on his own. He resists this, so you keep waking him up because you are worried he won’t make it to school. Then there is fight every morning about it. You are trying to hold a boundary by getting mad at him.
If you let him be late for school, there will be natural consequences at school. If you feel concerned, talk to the front office and ask about the consequences if there are multiple tardies. Is it detention? Report card is impacted?
If you feel like there won’t be enough of a consequence there, let him know that he needs to bring a print out of tardies to you each Saturday morning. However many tardies will equal dollars he owes you or number of chores he has to do before spending time on video games or screens. If you choose to have him pay you, that money can be saved up and give it to him later as a spending money for college or security deposit for his first apartment, but don’t tell him that. Let him be upset about it. He will be. But instead of you getting upset, let his actions result in a direct consequence.
Get committed and follow through on making sure your plan happens. The clear boundary holding is up to you, not him, since you are the one that wants to change things. Obviously, every home and school environment are different, these are just illustrations.
That interferes with the power of the boundary. The message is then lost.
Do you ever feel like you are doing all the work? Having the SAME discussion all the time and there are no changes? What if I told you that there is a finite amount of emotional space? When you are all over the emotional space …