When your college age kids come home for the holidays it’s a big adjustment. This is true for every family. Things are not as they were before. No matter if your college kid has had a great experience in the first months of school or it’s been challenging, coming back home can create some tension and we want to help you navigate.
When you have a kid leave home to go off to college, it takes a lot of time to figure out a new normal for your family, whether they are your only child or you have other children that are still in the house. This new normal includes routines, schedules, and grocery shopping / preparing meals for less people. This can be stressful and emotional because it’s new and you miss them. But once you start to get in a routine of this “new normal” you start to feel more comfortable with how things are now.
When your college kid comes home for the holidays, even though you are thrilled to have them home and they are happy to be home, things can get tense because things are different now and there is yet another period of adjustment. You may expect them to just jump right into your new routines and that may be hard for them. They may come home expecting things to be just like they were but they aren’t, which means they may feel like they are a visitor.
As a parent you may expect their first visit back home to be filled with lots of family time to catch up and just be together. But the truth is it may not go down that way. Even though they missed you, they are probably exhausted and will want to spend a lot of time sleeping or alone in their room. It’s hard not to take that personally after counting down the days until they are back under your roof. However, this is probably the first time in months they have been able to really relax. Being back home where they feel comfortable and safe, not surrounded by their peers and bogged down with schoolwork, they can now just rest and recharge. If that’s what they need, try to be understanding.
In addition to catching up on rest they are probably going to want to spend time with friends from home. It may hurt your feelings if they choose to spend time with friends instead of family but remember, it’s not personal. Young adults need social time and it’s important for them to maintain those relationships they built in childhood. So if they come home and immediately go back out the door to meet up with friends, try not to give them a hard time. They still love you but they know you will be there and they can spend time with you before they go back to school, which means they may prioritize time with friends at the beginning of their visit.
Another thing that may cause some tension is learning that your kid has changed a little. After spending time out of the nest, being around people from different backgrounds and learning more about the world around them, they will probably have a different perspective on things and that can be difficult to accept as a parent.
“Don’t be surprised if your child seems slightly different — perhaps more independent and opinionated. Your tuition dollars are helping them discover themselves and the world. While hearing their arguments can sometimes be trying, it’s good that they are finding their voice and expressing their views.”
Parents know that their job is to prepare their kids to develop into their own person, but it can be shocking if you notice changes in them after only a couple months away. Resist the urge to challenge them or tell them they are wrong if they disagree with you on something. Remember they are still on a journey to grow and develop as an adult.
So with all these things in mind, how can you prepare for your college age kid’s holiday visit so that all of you enjoy your time together? Here’s 3 tips:
1 – Discuss plans ahead of time, but don’t overplan.
Before they come home, talk about what the plans are for family time, like family meals, activities, etc. so they know what times you would like for them to be present with everyone. Don’t plan a lot, keep it simple and leave time in the schedule for them to rest and see their friends.
2 – Keep an open mind.
Don’t decide in your head how they should act when they are home, meaning how excited they should be, how much they will want to share about school, etc. If you do this you will be disappointed if they don’t respond the way you envisioned they would.
3 – Let them take the lead.
Be supportive and make sure they feel like they belong but don’t try to control their every move when they are home. Try to be flexible and let them make decisions about how to spend their break.
Having your college kid come home for the holidays will be a challenge for them and for you in some ways. Try to soak it in and not let the tensions get the best of you. Everyone is learning to adjust and the most important thing is time together and letting them know you love and support them. If you need help working through these life changes, contact us, we are here to help!
