It’s very common to hear stories about people with romantic infatuations but they are not always rooted in love. Instead of it being love, it could be limerence. But what is limerence and when would a person need to seek help for it? Let’s break it down.
Limerence is defined as:
“…a state of romantic infatuation, and a condition that can be hard to discern as it presents in a very similar expression to falling in love. In reality, it’s a multi-stage process of projecting unmet needs onto another person. One that’s rooted in trauma often related to the relationship between primary caregivers in childhood which results in developmental issues, manifesting as insecure attachment styles.”
A person who is a limerent will have an obsession with someone who becomes their limerent object. The obsession might look like: having constant thoughts about the person, an intense longing and overwhelming emotions related to them, idolize them, thinking they can do nothing wrong.
It’s true that sometimes limerence can be confused with love, especially for the person experiencing limerence. On the surface it can look like the extreme feelings or expressions are rooted in love. However, when someone loves another person they truly want the person to be happy. There is concern for their feelings and well-being. And, if you are experiencing limerence, you might genuinely feel like that’s true… however, if you look a little deeper,
“….limerant behaviours come from a place of anxiety, rather than wanting the best for the other person.”
It might feel like you need this person in order to be whole or complete. Or that this person’s affection fulfill all your needs. It’s similar to what a drug addiction is like.
When a person’s needs are not adequately met in childhood an anxious attachment style can develop, which could lead to limerence. Growing up with a fear of rejection and/or abandonment triggers a longing to be loved.
It’s a good idea to get support when limerence starts to disrupt your life. That might look like: starting to abandon other relationships, hobbies and even important activities such as work, relying on the limerent object for your happiness, becoming distressed when you do not receive their attention, which can lead to depression and making poor decisions.
If you are experiencing limerence, this is a great opportunity to do some healing work because attachment wounds are showing up and when these things show up, it makes them more accessible for healing. Becoming self-aware and building self-esteem will help you not base you worth on being loved by others.Talking with a therapist can help you determine if they have developed an unhealthy attachment style and how to work through that. Contact us, we’re here to help.
