Before becoming a mother you can read all the books and spend months preparing for what you think it will be like, but there will always be things you cannot anticipate until you are in the middle of this new and exciting role. Let’s discuss a few things that I wish women knew before they become mothers.
It can change your identity
When you are preparing to become a mother you expect that things will change in your life…of course they will, you will be responsible for another human being. However, sometimes new mothers don’t realize how much becoming a mother will change their actual identity.
Your identity can be changed emotionally, psychologically and socially. You will start to see yourself differently and you will begin to engage with the world differently. This happens as your priorities begin to shift. You begin to focus more on the needs of your child and that becomes more important than the things that used to be a priority to you. For example: your picture of being successful may have always been tied to meeting certain career goals, but after becoming a mother you may now view success as being a mom and your career is not as fulfilling as it once was.
“Matrescence, like adolescence, is the transformative process of becoming a mother. It changes you physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, financially, and spiritually. This becoming-a-mother journey takes years. We realize it is not just a journey of raising our child but also a personal transformation of raising ourselves.” (Fort, El. [mindfulhealingmama]. “Things that no one told me before I became a mother.” *Instagram, February 12, 2025, www.instagram.com/p/DF_1d74sS6q/?img_index=4&igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==)
Some women report feeling like they lose themselves in motherhood and it consumes them; and some women feel like they have found themselves in motherhood and it brings them a sense of purpose. Both of these reactions to motherhood trigger a transition that you will need to nurture and work through.
Asking for and accepting help is important
There is a mental burden of remembering everything like doctor’s appointments, school forms, meal plans, and a physical burden of trying to be everywhere and take care of everything. This can feel overwhelming. It’s not a bad thing to admit that it is hard and you can’t do it alone.
If you are an independent person who is accustomed to tackling goals and getting them done on your own prior to becoming a mother, then you may think that you can do the same with all the responsibilities of motherhood. Thinking that in order to be a “good mother” you should do everything on your own is unrealistic and also unhealthy.
When a mother has support, and has time to engage in self-care, she is a better mother because she can show up as her best self. Without help, a mom can quickly become exhausted and burnt out which puts her under more stress and not only will she feel the effects, but her child will as well.
“Making time for yourself may feel indulgent or selfish, but that is far from the truth. Even small acts of self-care or self-kindness can go a long way in decreasing the feelings of exhaustion, burnout, stress and even depression that busy mothers often feel.” (Bowe.Kristen. “Self Care Tips for Moms.” Mayo Clinic Health System. August 10, 2021. www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/self-care-tips-for-moms)
Inviting your spouse, partner, friends and family to help out will also give them a chance to bond with your child and for your child to create connections with people that are close to you and your family.
If a child sees their mother ask for help and/or accepting help, it teaches them that it’s okay to seek support when they need it too. Setting this example for your children will benefit everyone in your family.
There is always room to grow and change
No one knows everything about motherhood from the very start, no matter how many books you read or how much advice you are given. Experience is how you figure out what is best for you and your child and you can always adjust and make changes in your parenting approach.
You may have been raised with certain beliefs or disciplinary tactics and after becoming a parent you may realize they aren’t the best fit for your family. You can learn about new approaches and implement what is best for you and your child.
Children change and so do adults. You will have to adjust and be flexible through all the stages of your child’s life to make sure you meet their needs. And you may even have to adjust your parenting styles or strategies within one of these stages. Nothing you do is set in stone and has to be done a certain way.
Don’t put pressure on yourself that you have to be perfect and get everything right. You will make mistakes, all parents do, but if you can learn from your mistakes and make adjustments that are right for your child, then you are on the right track.
When a woman becomes a mom it can be the most joyous time of her life and also the most stressful time of her life. You may think you are prepared for everything this mom role is going to throw at you but there will inevitably be things that you just didn’t expect. Parenting is a journey, not a destination, so give yourself grace and do what is best for you and your child, not what the world tells you that you need to do.
If you are in the beginning of your motherhood journey, or have been on the journey for a while already, you can always reach out to us for help along the way.
