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Our very own Anna Pirkl, MFT, ATR, LADAAC partnered with South Bay Families Connected and created this wonderful series of short videos to support you in staying motivated during distance learning. I know everyone can use some support in this area. I love how the …
What a different “back to school” transition this year. Hopefully it feels a little more organized or manageable than having to suddenly switch to school online in the middle of a school year. And, I know that looking down the pike at many more months …
This comes up a lot. I get that it is confusing.
How can an interaction between two people not be personal? Meaning, how can you not take what someone does or says personally???
Well, it FEELS personal. Of course.
The things is, most of what people do is about them, not about you. In so many ways.
It’s helpful to understand this about yourself (how you act is about you) and about others (how they act is largely about them).
You are the person who is involved in the interaction that brought about a certain response. Yes, that is true. However, it’s more like you participated in an interaction that was a trigger or inspiration for a certain response.
So much of human response comes from past experiences and conditioning. It comes from personality. It comes from where someone is in that particular moment when an interaction occurs.
Do the mean words feel personal to the receiver? Yes.
How is it not personal?
The partner who said something mean is upset. That is the way they chose to handle their feelings. Maybe because that is how they’ve learned to defend themselves (get on the offense) or that is how they have learned how to fight. Not personal. Feels super personal, though.
Just because it is not personal does not mean it is OK.
The thing is, taking it personally would detract from the important process information: your partner fights by saying mean things. Is that how you want to work through problems in your relationship? That is the place you want to focus. You can argue and get all tangled up in feelings taking the mean thing your partner said personally, but then you never get to the important point so you can grow as a couple.
Let’s look at another example.
Does it feel personal? 100%
Is it? No.
It is how they are choosing to deal with their feelings and the issue coming up. Maybe this is what was modeled to them in their family about how to handle difficult moments. Maybe people in their family screamed and yelled and that was super uncomfortable, so they made the choice to never argue. They are giving the silent treatment because of them.
So what can you do? When things are better, approach that topic of the silent treatment. You might share what it’s like for you on the other side of that. You might find a way to compassionately ask why they handle things that way. Maybe it is too sensitive and it would be better to talk about this in a couples therapy session.
Does that mean they don’t love you? No.
They absolutely love you. What parent does not love their child??
How each parent shows that love is different, that is for sure. People often show love in the same way they were shown love, not how they think the person they are loving deserves to be loved.
That definitely feels personal. You might even get caught up wondering if what your best friend said is true about you.
Why isn’t it personal? People who tend to be critical were often raised by a critical parent so they have that dialogue going on inside all the time, you just happened to hear it out loud. They might be in a career that is based around critique or finding flaws and that is how they tend to look at things. They might unknowingly use it as an avoidance strategy to push you away when they need space.
Can you see how none of those possibilities have to do with you?
And how you could be in a fight with your best friend, lose a friendship or even spend days thinking about your best friend’s comment when it had very little to do with you?
I could continue with lots of examples.
The point is to help you start considering the possibility that something someone does or says may have very little to do with you.
This can save you a lot of time and struggle.
It also creates space for you to consider what you are bringing to interactions that is about you and not others. We’ll look at that in the next post.
If you want to go deeper with this, I highly recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
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Until I trained as a therapist, I never intentionally paid attention to what happens in the process of communicating with someone. Communication just happened.
As I learned what process vs content meant, I realized how much information is embedded in the actual process of communication. I spend time with clients in session often helping them refocus on the process instead of focusing so much on the content.
The process is what is happening in a conversation between the two people. Like the overall dynamic. Are two people listening to one another and being attentive to what is being said? Is someone getting defensive, being loving, trying to manipulate?
The content is literally the details of the words being said.
So, think about two people fighting over dishes being in the sink. Whose dishes they are and how long they have been there is the content of the conversation. We get so easily drawn into the content as human beings because it feels like we can argue these points concretely and this is where we are taught to focus. But as we argue about these details, we are literally getting nowhere.
The deeper level (the process) of what is happening in the conversation is how that communication is going down. Is someone getting angry or getting defensive? Is someone asking for help in a loving way? Is this conversation actually about something else that is happening in the relationship, but its easier to talk about the dishes?
See what I mean? There is so much more information in the process. If we can see into that level of the conversation, we can actually get somewhere.
How often are you left upset about an interaction when what someone else did or said has really very little to do with you? Wasted time and energy, friend.
Remember the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? One of them is Don’t Take Anything Personally. There’s a reason for that.
For example, your partner may have had another experience of someone not doing the dishes before or not feeling supported or feeling like they have to do all the things, so they are triggered and communicating through that lens.
Or, the communication in their own household growing up was critical and so they see things and communicate through that lens.
Or they have a job that is centered around attention to detail so they notice when things are out of place more.
Or, they have always been criticized for leaving things undone because they get distracted easily and they are defensive when people point out shortcomings that result from that distractibility.
Notice how none of that has to really do with you or the dishes?
When you pay attention the process, you start being able to separate out what is about you in the conversation and what is about them.
Once you sort out what you are contributing to the issue, you can actually do something about that. Because that part IS about you. And you have control over you.
What is about you in the conversation might be that you are being reactive to your partner’s stuff because you are taking it personally. You have control over that when you start to see beyond the content and into the process.
Your part might be that you are not being mindful about the dishes. You can work on that. The other person’s part might be that they are not feeling supported, that could be part of how they always feel because its hard to ask for and actually receive help. No amount of dishes you do will fix that. There will be something else you are not doing sooner or later. Or vice versa.
What if the reason you are not being mindful about the dishes is because you are overwhelmed and your stress levels are too high? That’s probably impacting more than the dishes. It is impacting your health and your ability to be present in the important relationships in your life.
Maybe it is time to focus on stress management and get into communication with your partner about the fact that you might need a little bit of leeway until you get this under control. If you ask for leeway or support, make sure you are actively *doing your work* to address the issue you are asking for leeway to handle.
When you first pay attention to this level of the conversation, you might only catch it after the fact. Unless you are in therapy with a therapist having this conversation in a couples therapy or family therapy session. It’s OK to realize after the fact, that’s the first step. Keep practicing.
When you are in conversations with your loved ones, start to notice what’s happening as it’s happening. “Oh, I’m getting defensive” or “wow, they are getting defensive”.
If someone is getting defensive, that is because they feel threatened. Check if you are saying something critical, are you creating a threat? If not, maybe their defensiveness is not about what you are doing in the moment.
If it’s not about you, you don’t have to continue in the conversation. Find a way to wrap it up and give a little space.
If it’s important, talk about it later. Ask if you inadvertently said something that bothered your person. They might say no because they are not used to talking or reflecting on this level. That’s totally fine, you are building trust and creating space for a deeper level of communication. It doesn’t happen over night!
So keep paying attention, making comments about what is happening in the process (“I’m noticing that I’m getting worked up”) and saying reflective things about conversations after the fact. They can be nice and encouraging process comments too like “I felt really good when you said xyz”. The goal is to be building up that safe space so that you both can start to focus on process vs. content.
The fear of intimacy. I know. Most people have a hard time wrapping their head around the fact that people experience a fear of intimacy and a strong desire for it at the same time. What makes it even more crazy is fear that shows …
I have a lot to learn. And unlearn. I have been spending time this week listening, seeing and digging deep around the issues of racism, white supremacy, white fragility, what it means to practice being an ally and anti-racist. As I hope many people in …
We’ve all been through some significant life adjustments in the months of quarantine. Some of them difficult to assimilate.
No matter where you are in your stance toward the pandemic, the reality is that things are starting to open up again (for now at least). This might be a relief in some ways and it can also bring up resistance.
I notice people bringing up their observations of how others are adhering or not adhering to recommendations and guidelines. And, along with these observations, there is an undercurrent of the sentiment “people are just doing what they feel like doing”. Meaning: sometimes people demonstrate strict boundaries about what is allowed, but then are willing to bend those rules when it comes to something they want to do.
The instructions have been to strictly stay at home, but go out if you have to. Or the virus can kill you OR you can have it and not know it. See how there is all kinds of space in there for your own interpretation or for your stance on it to change easily? That has lent to the uncertainty of these times, but also to the uncertainty of opening up again.
In some ways, if there have been aspects of being in quarantine that you kind of liked, there might be a temptation to use the Coronavirus as an excuse to do or not to do things. When, in reality, there might be an important change in your life that you actually want to implement that you may have felt was unacceptable or not doable in the past.
It will be less scary and work more smoothly to let these things come into your conscious awareness rather than maybe hiding behind the COVID situation.
And you want to keep things that way. It doesn’t mean you have to ask your boss to make changes right away since everything is still up in the air. But it might be a good time to reflect about how you want your work/life balance or commute to actually be going forward. This way you can have some clarity and build up your courage to communicate about the changes you would like to see with your work.
So, now would be a good time to reflect on: what is the balance that feels good to me and my family for having plans and having unscheduled time? How can I communicate that directly to others without hiding behind the skirt of the Coronavirus? Maybe it’s saying: thanks so much for the invite, but we’re going to enjoy some unscheduled time this weekend. If we end up going to the park, do you want me to text you?
Talk with your family or partner about what that might look like. Maybe you want to invest in some cooking classes to up your game or you want to have more dinner parties instead of meeting out. Maybe you want to shift your budget to include more locally sourced or high quality foods. It might seem obvious, but just owning it can create excitement or reset expectations and reduce conflict that can come up on the spot when the occasion to go out comes up.
You might decide you want to invest your time differently across your relationships. It doesn’t mean you have to tell someone directly: you drain me. But, it might mean you don’t reach out to those who are not a source of love or energy out of obligation to keep up the friendship. You might just let it be instead and acknowledge that consciously. This will support you in avoiding the trap of obligation.
Go for it. Waking up at 5am is no more noble than waking up at 10am. Do what works for your body, your quality of life and your household.
Whatever you are finding out about yourself, bring it to your conscious awareness, acknowledge it and find a way to communicate what you need to communicate so you can live your life in a way that is in greater alignment with you.
Otherwise, you might find yourself being super judgmental toward others and getting angry about how other people or organizations are handling this situation.
That energy will be better spent and your life will be happier.
If you need support seeing, implementing or communicating through some of these changes that you are ready to own, we’d love to support you. Contact us.
For most of us, life feels extra challenging right now. One of the ways we might be experiencing this heightened struggle is in our relationship with our domestic partner. This makes sense given the increased time spent around each other in close proximity. Little irritations …