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You’ve probably heard before that things get worse before they get better when you start therapy. For adults, the reason is because you start to open your eyes to things you might not have been aware of in your life and in your past. For …
Maybe you have recently had some time off and your routine has been different because your family has been in holiday mode; but now it’s time to get back into your groove. This is actually a great time to reflect on what parts of your …
There’s a lot of pop mental health advice floating around on social media these days and I’m totally here for it…well, some of it. Should we be more informed about trauma, emotional intelligence, relationship dynamics and attachment issues? Yes,100%!
Although it can be beneficial, there are some times when this is actually enabling you. Let’s look at a couple of examples:
Setting boundaries is important for your mental health and we talk about this frequently on the blog. But when a boundary turns into avoidance, it can actually be a negative thing.
When you are in recovery or working through trauma there will be various stages of coping, healing and growing. “At first, you may need to avoid certain situations because they are triggering, but at a certain point it may be helpful to face those situations so that you don’t have to avoid them forever.” (White, Amanda [therapyforwomen]. “5 Signs Your Boundaries are Actually Avoidance”. * Instagram, May 16, 2023, www.instagram.com/p/CsUbHLFOPi9/?igshid=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ%3D%3D&img_index=2)
How do you know your boundaries are actually avoidance? Here are a couple signs:
(White, Amanda [therapyforwomen]. “5 Signs Your Boundaries are Actually Avoidance”. * Instagram, May 16, 2023, www.instagram.com/p/CsUbHLFOPi9/?igshid=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ%3D%3D&img_index=2)
Boundaries can be a personal challenge that presents in a variety of situations and then there are specific challenges surrounding relationships like fear of intimacy.
If you have been hurt in relationships in the past then you may avoid intimacy in your future relationships to protect yourself. This may be hard to admit, or you may not even realize you’re doing this. You may just chalk up the avoidance to having ‘high standards’ or the fact that you want to ensure that the person meets all the qualifications you think they need to be a good match for you.
“A subconscious fear of intimacy, can, on the surface, look like knowing what you want in a partner and not “settling” for anything less…when it’s really a way to avoid the messiness and vulnerability of a healthy, loving relationship.” (O’Brien, Lindsay [thereallovealchemist]. “A Fear of Intimacy Can Look Like Having High Expectations for a Partner”. * Instagram, November 14, 2023, www.instagram.com/p/CzohB0Us_6T/?igshid=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ%3D%3D&img_index=6)
In reality, no one is perfect and you may never find someone who meets all of your qualifications or standards. But that shouldn’t stop you from pursuing a deeper connection with someone if they could be right for you.
Facing your fear of intimacy can ultimately lead to a long lasting, healthy relationship. That doesn’t mean it won’t take some work on both your part and your partner’s part, but all good things require some work.
In addition to these personal challenges around boundaries and relationship challenges related to intimacy; there are also parenting challenges that we need to be informed about.
Teaching your child how to regulate their emotions is one of the most important things you can teach them because it will be a useful tool for them not only in childhood but through every stage of their life. We talked about this in a previous post HERE.
You can let your child know that you understand the emotions they are experiencing, but it’s important to go a step further and help them learn to cope with those emotions in a way that is positive and does not lead to negative behaviors.
What ends up happening is if you are only understanding and compassionate, you are living in an environment where a young psyche and emotional system are in charge. And that is too much power for your child to hold. That will result in entitlement, disrespectful behavior or anxiety because their emotions are not able to be held by them or by you.
“Regulation isn’t natural. It’s taught. Emotions are instinctive but handling them is a language that is imparted.”
Healthy coping mechanisms can be taught at a young age and once learned they will contribute to the overall emotional intelligence of your child.
So even though it is possible to find helpful mental health advice online, there is also a risk that some of it may actually be enabling and not so helpful. That’s why it’s important to always dig a little deeper and make sure the advice you are taking is actually correct for you.
Holidays can be a fun time, but they can also be stressful, not just for you, but for your kids! Let’s talk about some ways you can support your kids during the holidays so that the stress is not overwhelming to them or you. Communicate …
It’s the time of year where you probably have more contact with your family members. This means conversations may be coming up where you learn that a family member is needing your support. There is strong societal messaging around the fact that you should always …
Do you have trouble saying no? Do you constantly worry what people think about you and you find yourself apologizing frequently? Do you avoid confrontation and feel responsible for other people’s feelings? If you struggle with any of these things then you may be a people pleaser.
Let’s get to the bottom of what it is and why you do it.
Merriam Webster defines a people pleaser as a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.
It’s common for people to want others to like them and to desire to make others happy, however, people pleasing behavior takes this to the extreme.
“A desire to please people can manifest in many ways. A person may find it hard to say no to requests, regularly take on extra work, even if they do not have the time, often over commit to plans, responsibilities, or projects, or avoid advocating for their own needs, such as by saying they are fine when they are not.” (Villines, Zawn. “People pleaser: What it means and how to stop”. Medical News Today. March 1, 2023. www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/people-pleaser#signs.)
People pleasers put the needs of others above their own to the point that they can become depressed and resentful.
Maybe you grew up in a culture that elevates selflessness and shames those who do things for their own enjoyment or to make themselves happy. If you grew up thinking other people always come first and you are not important, then naturally you will be conditioned to people please as an adult.
If you experienced relationship issues within your family where your parents’ love and affection was conditional, then you grew up thinking it’s normal to have to “earn” love. This can lead to becoming a people pleaser because the behavior modeled for you as a child was that love is only given when you do something for someone else.
Low self-esteem can also lead to people pleasing. If you feel like you are worth less than other people then you may not speak up for yourself and show concern for yourself. You may feel like helping others gives you purpose. If helping others makes you feel important it can be an emotional boost that you start to depend on to feel good about yourself.
People pleasing can have negative effects on you and others around you. If you are constantly trying to please others then you are probably not taking care of your own needs. This can lead to stress, anxiety or even medical issues.
If you are constantly trying to keep up and make sure others like you and are getting their needs met, you will eventually become physically, mentally and/or emotionally exhausted. It just becomes too much to handle and you will not have the energy you need to take care of your personal needs or stay focused at work or other activities.
Another way it works against you is by creating relationship problems. You may become resentful of people close to you because you feel like you are contributing more to the relationship, even though you are doing it on your own, not because they have asked you to.
An important first step to reduce your people pleasing behaviors is to take a look at where these behaviors came from and how they have been linked you surviving in the world.
It’s important to know that this is a strategy that has worked and makes sense, but you’re ready to move beyond it so your relationships with yourself and others can be healthier.
It will take practice to rewire these patterns. Start just noticing where you overextend yourself for others. Watch it happen, then you can consider afterward: how could I have responded differently or handle it differently. Start to build awareness and open up possibilities as to different ways you can respond that would honor you and the person you’re relating to.
Then take a chance and try it. Sometimes responding to someone via email or text to test out new ways of responding is helpful because it gives you a minute to think and gather your courage.
See what comes up: do you sweat? get nervous about what the other person will say? Do you worry they won’t be happy with you? Breathe with those worries and remind yourself you are safe. Tiny steps.
If you know that you do this, but you just don’t know how to stop, contact us, we can help!
When you think about therapy, more than likely, you think about a traditional therapy session with someone sitting on a couch and talking to a professional. However, therapy can include more than just talking and sometimes art can be used as a tool for a …
Every year as summer comes to a close, we transition into fall and then immediately into the holiday season. It seems to happen pretty quickly and for some people it is exciting and they thrive on the energy and hustle and bustle but for others, …
Whether you are an expectant mother, a new mother or just thinking about trying to conceive, learning about perinatal therapy may be a good idea. The journey of motherhood, at all stages, is a happy one but it can also be stressful and trigger a variety of emotions that you may never have experienced before. So let’s talk about what perinatal therapy is and how it can help you during your journey.
The term perinatal means the period of time from when a woman becomes pregnant and the period right after (up to a year) giving birth.
“Perinatal mental health refers to a woman’s emotional health during her pregnancy and postpartum period. Perinatal counseling is focused on supporting women (and couples) through their journey into parenthood.” (Daniels, Courtney. “Perinatal Matters: The Importance of Perinatal Counseling and Finding a Trained Perinatal Therapist” Holistic Wellness Practice. January 5, 2021. www.holisticwellnesspractice.com/hwp-blog/2021/01/05/)
Perinatal therapy can be helpful to address existing mental health symptoms that may be exacerbated by pregnancy, to deal with the new stressors that surface as a part of a major life change and the new responsibilities that come with being a parent, or new emotional/mental health challenges that arise such as prenatal or postpartum depression.
Perinatal therapy gives women a safe space to discuss their feelings and concerns, develop positive coping skills and determine what treatment options are available and best for them. Their partners can also benefit from this therapy if they choose to have them participate with them.
“While the majority of new mothers experience some degree of the baby blues — or mild mood swings that are caused by hormonal changes after giving birth — nearly 1 in 7 will have a much more severe mood disorder before, during, or after pregnancy: perinatal depression.” The purpose of therapy is to help the expecting or new mother identify the factors that may be contributing to her mood. Support and guidance is provided to address the new stressors that she is experiencing and assist her to transition into her new role as a mother. (Ries, Julia. “What to Know About Treating Depression During Pregnancy” Healthline. February 19, 2021. https://www.healthline.com/health-news/what-parents-should-know-about-postpatrum-and-peripartum-treatment)
Perinatal therapy can help mothers figure out the thought and behavior patterns that may be contributing to their anxiety and/or stress and work towards reducing it. From the time a woman becomes pregnant until well after she gives birth, she will receive a lot of advice from others about how to parent her child. This can be very overwhelming and can add to the anxiety she is already feeling. Therapy can help mothers talk through this and understand that they do not have to listen to all the advice and start to build their confidence in making their own choices about how to parent.
No one seems to question the importance of investing in a home or a retirement plan or anything that provides physical or financial security for themselves. So why is it common for most people to question if it’s worth the investment to take care of their mental health? Yes, you will have to invest time and money into the process if you participate in perinatal therapy; but it is a time in your life when self care is so important for not just you but also for your child.
Most parents will tell you that being a parent is the hardest job they have ever had, but it’s also the most rewarding. If you are struggling with stress, anxiety, depression or any other emotional challenge you could miss out on being fully present, emotionally, and enjoying some of the most beautiful parts of motherhood. Being proactive and recognizing the need for perinatal therapy early can help you remain fully engaged in all the moments, even the hard ones; because you can’t get those moments back.
It is very common for new mothers to seek help during this journey and doing so does not make you a bad mom. So don’t feel guilty or ashamed to ask for help.
If you are an expectant or new mother and you need help navigating the emotions and challenges that you are facing, contact us, we can help!
What is hyper-independence? It can be a coping mechanism that you develop as a result of not having your needs met early in life or when you experience interpersonal trauma. You may feel the need to do things yourself and won’t ask for help because …