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Maybe you have recently had some time off and your routine has been different because your family has been in holiday mode; but now it’s time to get back into your groove. This is actually a great time to reflect on what parts of your routine have been working and what hasn’t.
Sometimes we drive ourselves too hard with a strict schedule around work, school, working out, extracurricular activities, etc. and time off of that routine gives you some contrast and space to reflect on things that you may want to change.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to reflect and to set yourself up for success in the new year.
Sometimes you don’t realize it in the moment, but you can look back over a period of time and see the moments where you were really content and felt at ease.
What were the circumstances? If you are able to pinpoint those moments, think about where you were, who you were with, what your schedule was like and any other details that created the environment that led to you being content.
How can I bring more of that into the new year? Once you have identified these circumstances, look at how you can duplicate them going forward. Maybe it’s a person you can spend more time with, a place you can visit more often or a routine you can duplicate in the new year.
Just like with the happy moments, you may not immediately recognize that a situation is stressing you out at the time it is happening. You may just push through and act like everything is fine even when you are feeling off because you just needed to get through it. But given the chance to really reflect back on it, you can see that it was overwhelming or created emotional stress.
What were the circumstances? These can be expectations that you put on yourself that were unrealistic, or the expectations of others. It can also be people or environments that you felt obligated to be around.
Do I want to make a note not to repeat that next year? There are some people and environments that you may not be able to avoid but if there are things that stress you out that you can eliminate, then make a mental note, or an actual physical, written note, to not repeat it next year. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that unrealistic expectations or pressure we put on ourselves is not worth it and it will not be the end of the world if we let some things go.
We typically give ourselves more grace over the holidays to not hold such a rigid routine, like a certain time frame to get things done or a certain diet, etc. You may realize that that thing was not as important as you thought it was. Now that doesn’t mean you should throw all your goals and positive habits out the window, but it is a good time to assess them and see if they were really necessary.
If there is something that you changed about your routine and you are really missing it or you are feeling really down or stressed out now that you aren’t doing it anymore, then that may be a sign that it’s good for you. Some things in your routine may make you feel more grounded and productive and taking them away creates some uneasiness or lack of structure.
Sometimes we get stuck in a rut and don’t realize that it’s time for a shift or an update. And having a little break from our normal routine can give you some insight into that! As we move into a new year there are lots of ways you can support your mental health and looking back at your routine and asking yourself these questions is a good start.
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It’s the time of year where you probably have more contact with your family members. This means conversations may be coming up where you learn that a family member is needing your support.
There is strong societal messaging around the fact that you should always “be there” for your family. This leads to feelings of obligation and guilt. But here’s the thing: you might not always be the best person to support your family member.
Let’s talk about 3 things to keep in mind when a family member needs your support:
While you can listen and give advice, sometimes your family member actually needs to talk to a professional. While you can’t force anyone to go to therapy, you can create the space for them to see the need for it. If you answer calls at all hours of the day or are on the phone daily trying to help your loved one, there are a couple of issues.
Sometimes you end up working harder than they are working on their problem, meaning you take the time to give insightful feedback and suggestions and they don’t put it to use. This will create resentment.
Just like doctors don’t give their family members medical care and therapists don’t counsel their loved ones, the help you give a family member is not objective. There are dynamics at play, there is history, there are things you will say that they will receive differently than they would from an objective, qualified source.
“Don’t try to solve problems for your loved ones. Caring for your family doesn’t mean taking charge of their problems, giving unsolicited advice, or protecting them from their own emotions.” (Segal, Jeanne. “Tips to Improve Family Relationships.” Help Guide.org. October 11, 2023. www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/improving-family-relationships-with-emotional-intelligence.htm)
So, if they go to you, you can listen, communicate your love and refrain from giving advice, instead reflect back: “I feel like this is really hard, you’re going through a lot, you deserve support.” It will feel uncomfortable, and your family member might get pissed off. But by leaving a gap, and letting it get uncomfortable, you’re setting up a situation where they might consider getting support.
This also goes for financial or logistical support (like a place to stay, giving rides, etc). If you’re constantly “there” for them, they do not feel the need to get on their own two feet, you become a crutch.
Let me explain. Let’s say a family member is going through a break up. But in the past, you’ve been hurt by how they’ve handled relationships and breakups. You are dealing with your own feelings about what’s happening in your loved one’s life and now you are trying to support them. That can lead to complications.
Or let’s say someone passes away. Everyone in your family is grieving and people grieve differently. Some people get really focused on material possessions and logistics, some people want space, and some people want to talk about it. Trying to find support only with the other people grieving the same loss can get really complicated.
Yes, you might benefit from coming together to celebrate the loved one that passed, find solace in connecting with other people who know this pain, but trying to completely support another family member who is having a harder time with grief while you are grieving is not ideal. In this case, grief support groups or therapy are helpful.
If helping a loved one triggers trauma or pain for you, then it’s best to refrain from stepping up and being the person they can lean on. It is not selfish to put your own emotional needs first, sacrificing your own health can have a negative impact on you and the loved one you are trying to help.
Yes, I know this might feel selfish at first blush. But if you offer support in a way where you are overextended, this will create more problems.
If you lend money that you really need back and don’t set up expectations or a contract, this can damage your relationship with your family member. If you offer emotional support that you are not able to give for the reasons above, you will resent it and this will create resentment and distance in your relationship.
If you offer a place to stay and don’t clearly discuss your family member’s plans for how long they are staying, you will be hypervigilant in watching how they spend their time and money, and resentful of anything that doesn’t seem to move them toward finding a new place. This will also damage your relationship.
It’s okay to provide support with specific parameters to ensure that you are not taken advantage of. The best support you can give is to tell your family member that you love them, regardless of circumstance. And then support them in a way that reflects that unconditional love for you and them.
If you are having trouble deciding the best way to support a family member contact us, we can help.
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Every year as summer comes to a close, we transition into fall and then immediately into the holiday season. It seems to happen pretty quickly and for some people it is exciting and they thrive on the energy and hustle and bustle but for others, it can be a stressful time that they would rather just skip right over. It can be marked by stress and sadness for you or someone close to you, so let’s talk about the common triggers and how you can be prepared to deal with the holiday blues this year.
Holiday blues are common and can affect anyone, those who have an existing mental health condition, or those who have no prior mental health concerns at all. The feelings are temporary and they can include a variety of negative emotions such as depression, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, irritability, etc. Here are 3 common situations or incidences that can trigger these feelings.
After losing a loved one every “first” without them is hard. First birthday, first holidays, first anything that you would have done with them. It goes on at least a year because for a whole 12 months, until you reach the anniversary of their death, you will do things without them for the first time.
Holidays like Christmas are especially hard because it’s a holiday that focuses on getting together with family and friends and someone you love very much is not there. It’s also a holiday that focuses on traditions and carrying on those traditions without your loved one may be hard, or in some cases, not possible anymore.
“Inventing new traditions can be cathartic, especially if they involve honoring your loved one in a way that’s comforting for everyone. Let others who are also dealing with the loss help you come up with these new traditions, so they can feel invested and you are not shouldering all the responsibility.”
If you are feeling sad, don’t hide it; confide in family and friends because they may also be feeling sad and you can lean on each other. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions even though it is supposed to be a happy time. Those two emotions (happiness and sadness) can exist together, you don’t have to choose one or the other.
After a divorce or break up how you spend your holiday is definitely going to look different because your inner circle has changed. Not only do you not have that partner with you, who was more than likely present at every holiday gathering that you were involved with, but their family and friends are probably not a part of your gatherings anymore either. So you are grieving the loss of multiple people. And if you have children then there may be struggles between the two of you as you decide how to share your time with them during the holidays.
Kristen Hick of MeetMindful.com shares 10 Tips for Post-Divorce Holiday Survival and the first is to validate your difficulty. She says, “The holidays are harder right now. Trying to convince yourself otherwise (or that you shouldn’t feel the way you do) will only make the feelings more intense. Do yourself a favor and validate that this may be difficult, maybe even really difficult.”
Other tips include establishing boundaries, staying present and creating new traditions.
It is important to remain flexible and put your mental health first. It’s okay if everything doesn’t go perfectly, there will be a learning curve as you figure out your new normal and new traditions.
Keep in mind that the first holiday is always the hardest and although there may always be some sadness associated with the divorce or break up during the holidays, it will get better.
Strained family relationships can have a negative impact on you any time of the year because most people want to get along and have a good relationship with their relatives. So when you enter a time of the year where families are expected to get together it can be tense. If you have ongoing drama within your family or family members who don’t get along, just thinking about getting together for the holidays can get you down or stress you out.
One of the best ways to handle family drama during the holidays and prepare yourself for it is to set boundaries. “When set in a compassionate way, boundaries can protect both ourselves and our family members. We care for ourselves first by establishing our own limits and needs so that we can feel safe and comfortable, and in turn, we’re able to show up better for loved ones.”
We talked about the basics of setting boundaries in a previous post HERE.
If you think ahead to what may be said, what behaviors may surface or what may cause tension when you are together with your family, you can prepare yourself by practicing how you will respond and when you need to take a break. This will prevent you from reacting impulsively and saying or doing something you will regret.
Here are a few tips you can use to beat the holiday blues no matter what triggers them:
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