Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Knowing the way therapy with kids looks different than therapy with adults can help you feel more relaxed in the process of bringing your child to therapy. Once I point out the fact that there is a difference, it seems obvious. However, when you are …
Gaslighting is a term that has been thrown around a lot on social media lately. But most people don’t really even know what it is or how it compares to other behaviors, so let’s clear things up a little bit. Let’s start by defining gaslighting. …
There’s a lot of conversation around holding boundaries with people in our life. But how about with ourselves? If we are putting an emphasis on something like boundaries in a relationship, we also want to check in on what we are doing around that very same topic in our relationship with ourselves.
Let’s talk about why this is important and then we will get into what that actually looks like.
Everything begins within. So, if you have expectations of others, it’s important to hold yourself to similar standards. This is part of living with integrity (which means living in alignment with your values).
When you’re not doing with yourself what you expect of others, the fact that they’re not meeting expectations will be amplified. There will be more impatience, irritation and frustration. Those emotions are trying to get your attention so that you will be aware of those areas where you might not be living out those values. This supports your growth and evolution.
You want other people to be loving, but are you loving with yourself?
You want others to communicate, but do you have attunement and communication with your own internal world?
And, of course, you want other people to respect your boundaries, but are you respecting your own boundaries?
These are questions to ask yourself because you may not even realize that you aren’t treating yourself in the same manner that you expect others to treat you. If this is the case, it’s OK! We all have spaces where we can clean this up.
When someone says, “I give you my word” they are essentially making a promise, and they are putting their own reputation and values on the line because if they don’t follow through it reflects negatively on that person. When they do follow through, that person is considered trustworthy and dependable.
It’s the same concept with your own inner dialogue. Your word is the foundation of self discipline.
When this is solid, you have the power to do anything you set your sights on because you can count on yourself to follow through.
When you promise yourself that you will do something, what happens? Do you feel pretty sure you will follow through? Or does it feel kind of flimsy, like you know it’s probably not going to happen?
It’s normal to have a higher regard for a promise to someone else than ones that you make to yourself. That’s because there’s been a lot of training and conditioning to make sure you meet the expectations of others; unfortunately this sometimes means that what you need to do for yourself falls by the wayside.
The good news is, the tide is turning. We are learning to balance our needs with the needs of others. Mastering this balance is beneficial for everyone, you and the people you interact with. And, it means the space to grow your personal power is more available than ever. (Learn more about self-care in a previous blog post HERE)
Now, how would your life be different if you followed through and held your boundaries with yourself?
If you are able to discern what is truly important to you and hold yourself to those standards, life will feel and look different. You will feel more peace because that’s what comes with living in sync with your values. You’ll also feel a greater sense of empowerment because you are managing your responses to personal situations in a way that shows respect for yourself and what you have identified as important to you.
In addition, the need for relationships to mirror back these places where there is a misalignment will be reduced. And, in cases when relationships do mirror back and reveal the places where boundaries with yourself are not being upheld, it’ll be easier to deal with because you’ll now be aware that it’s a mirror showing you what you need to clear up within yourself.
Boundaries with yourself are essential to both life satisfaction and healthy relationships with others. “When we respect ourselves, we are more worthy of receiving love and, in turn, giving love to others.” (mindbodygreen.com | 12 Ways To Show Yourself Respect (And Teach Others To Do The Same); Danielle Dowling, Psy.D.)
Holding a boundary creates safety and helps you trust yourself. This leads to you feeling confident in the decisions you make for yourself and to be able to connect with others in a positive way.
Boundaries with yourself can include things such as: saying no to things that drain you, not working on the weekends or during designated family time or taking breaks from social media.
Boundaries with others can include things like: asking them to give you space when you are overwhelmed and need some alone time, letting people know that you have a specific amount of time available for a meeting/other event and not staying past that time frame, speaking up and let them know if you are not comfortable talking about something or answering a question. This can all be communicated and executed with love.
Upholding boundaries with yourself also includes the important work of maintaining the boundaries you put in place with others. Having proper boundaries has to do with follow through, not just communication.
You can tell someone you’re not okay with something, but if you allow it to happen anyway you’re not following through; therefore they’ll likely assume that boundary isn’t important to you. You telegraph to others what you are willing to allow by how you adhere to boundaries. We talked about this previously when we covered ‘How to Make Setting Boundaries Easier and More Effective’.
Setting boundaries for yourself is important and it may take a little practice to learn how to uphold those boundaries. But once you start to see the positive changes that come along with sticking to those boundaries it will become easier.
People who tend to blame themselves when something goes wrong or when something is challenging, oftentimes take in too much feedback. As we discussed in our last blog, it’s important to be open to feedback (especially during therapy) and really try to see yourself in …
One of the characteristics of clients who are most successful in therapy is their ability to be open to feedback. So we want to share what this looks like and what naturally gets in the way, so you can also be successful in therapy, …
As we discussed in our last post, there are some aspects of mental health being discussed on social media that we love; and there are some parts that are making things hard.
We know there are a lot of conversations happening in households across the world about mental health that come from Tik Tok. This social platform has brought some mental health disorders into the light and things that were not a topic of conversation in the past, are now discussed frequently.
So what if your teen is saying they are sure, after seeing information on Tik Tok, that they have a serious mental health diagnosis, like Autism, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, or Dissociative Identity Disorder? Let’s talk about how they may have come to think this and how to handle it.
First, it’s important to understand that Tik Tok operates on an algorithm; all social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, etc.) do. This algorithm drives what your teen sees on Tik Tok. It figures out what they are interested in and shows them more of it. It determines their interests based on what they watch the most or videos they linger on, comment on or hit the like button on. In the beginning, they are shown a general selection of popular videos and as they start to perform the actions mentioned above, the selection gets smaller to include a certain type of videos.
This video from an article by the Wall Street Journal, helps break down the process of how Tik Tok videos can lead teens to think they have a mental health diagnosis. (The Wall Street Journal; TikTok Diagnosis Videos Leave Some Teens Thinking They Have Rare Mental Disorders; TECH | FAMILY & TECH: JULIE JARGON; 12/26/21)
If your teen lingers on or likes a video about a mental health disorder, or a behavior associated with a disorder (like sadness, anxiety, fear, etc.) then the algorithm will start to show them more of those videos. Sometimes teens think the platform must be reading their mind and knows something about them because it’s all that pops up in their feed. This leads to some teens ‘self-diagnosing’ and becoming convinced they have a legitimate mental health issue.
So if your teen comes to you and says they think they are dealing with a mental health disorder, how should you handle it?
It’s important to validate your teen’s feelings because first, and foremost, they really just want to be seen and heard. If you just dismiss their feelings or what they are telling you it will not make those feelings just go away, it will more than likely cause them to feel worse and refrain from confiding in you in the future.
Think of what they are going through with their ‘Tik Tok diagnosis’ as the equivalent of googling physical symptoms. We all know what happens when we do that; everyone has a little bit of everything. You end up going down a rabbit hole and only seeing the worst case scenario play out for your situation.
Don’t freak out if some of this is directed at you. We are human beings raised by human beings. Take it from us, you literally did your best every day raising your child. Literal blood, sweat and tears have gone into bringing your child into this world and through it. You’ve done a great job! No one does everything perfectly. Even the Dali Lama could use therapy.
So, do your best not to take this personally even if your teen is saying it’s your fault. We talk about taking the blame out of therapy HERE in a past blog post.
Questioning the possibility of a mental health diagnosis can be an acceptable way for your teen, or preteen, to talk about what is happening in their internal world. It’s an opportunity for exploration and connection and you can walk alongside them as they figure it out. Curiosity about mental and emotional health is a good thing, you don’t want to discourage that or insinuate that it’s bad.
This is part of their identity development which is an important developmental task. They are exploring who they are and learning so much about themselves at this stage. A diagnosis is one way kids can identify with something. While you might see it as a bad thing, it is actually a framework they can fit into and relate to others through.
Being panicked about this developmental drive would be similar to being panicked about your child trying to walk and falling down. The only difference is that this is an emotional and relational developmental task rather than a physical one. Yes, there is a chance that problems will arise but they can overcome those problems when they work through them with someone they trust.
As a parent it can be hard to stand back and let your child explore and figure things out, but sometimes it’s necessary. Continue to provide support but understand that you will not have all the answers and can’t always fix things, and that’s okay.
If your teen feels that they have a mental health disorder and they have opened up to you about it, this may be a good time to get a therapist involved. A therapist can assess, educate, clarify and correct anything that could be misinformation or simply unhelpful information. Then both you and your child will be able to understand what is happening with them emotionally and not just guessing or wondering if there is truly a diagnosis there.
Looking for a therapist can feel validating for them. It may help them feel like they have some control over the situation and are working on a resolution to the emotional distress they are experiencing.
A therapist can individualize treatment and care and redirect to online resources that are actually helpful. This will allow your preteen or teen to use social media as a support rather than something convincing them there is something terribly wrong.
Information of all kinds is so much more accessible these days than it has been in the past. And, on the bright side, there has been a significant rise in information and awareness around mental health issues. After decades of shame and stigma surrounding mental …
When I first started practicing as a therapist, many people that reached out for therapy were in crisis. They were in dire need of help. We saw people in our practice who were dealing with intense depressive or anxiety symptoms, severe trauma, life crises and …
It is not uncommon for people to start playing the blame game when they first start therapy. It may include blame directed at our family or parents, or the blame may be directed at the past and outside circumstances. This is a normal response and it’s all a part of the process.
I’m sure you’ve heard people say it before: it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.
If it does, that’s OK. To make it easier, let’s talk about what you can expect.
When you begin therapy, or go through the different stages of therapy, you have an opportunity to look at the cards you were dealt in life and it can be hard to face. This might mean approaching some uncomfortable realities.
For example, there might have been some unhealthy dynamics in your family growing up. This doesn’t mean anyone is bad. It just means we are all human, doing our best. But, it’s important to see the realities because those are often what contribute to the reason you started therapy in the first place.
Some people start to experience this and want to quit therapy because they think it’s not working. This is a normal part of the process and doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress; actually this is a sign of progress.
You might feel angry and want to blame all the bad things that have happened on someone or some circumstance; or you might blame yourself.
Think about if you were diagnosed with an illness. You are not to blame for the illness. However, you are responsible for your health. This means it’s your job to focus on understanding what’s going on, living a healthy lifestyle, following directions from your health care providers, etc.
It’s the same concept when you are dealing with your emotions. When you are given a clear vision of the cards you are holding you might feel angry about what you’ve had to deal with because it was out of your control. Totally understandable. And there is space for that in therapy. The good news is, you get to be in control now and work towards getting to a better place of health and wellness.
Here’s the thing about the truth, when it first comes to light, it can be hard. But then it gets easier. You process the feelings, you come to terms with it and now that the information is here, you can actually deal with it head on. You might finally be able to see a family dynamic that impacted you in a negative way, or how there are unresolved emotions around a certain event. The truth has always been there, buried deep, and you have been dealing with it all along.
When you see things from your past with more clarity, you start to understand things that have happened in your life, how those things affected you (and still affect you) and why you reacted in the ways you did. Once it’s out in the open, you get to create a way to move forward.
Coming to terms with hurtful truths from your past is hard, but such a crucial piece to position you in a place where you have power over your life and your choices.
Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in managing your life and claiming your rights.
Once you have a more clear view of things, you will start to see that you can’t control anything outside of yourself. Sometimes we know this but we talk ourselves into thinking that maybe we could have done something to change an outcome that we weren’t happy with or had a negative impact on us.
You might have to remind yourself, on a regular basis, that you can only be responsible for the things you actually have control of, because it’s easy to lose sight of that truth.
If you focus on things that are beyond your control then you will be stuck on a hamster wheel of trying to fix things that can’t be fixed or trying to change things that you don’t have the power to change.
‘As you begin to resolve the problem that brought you to psychotherapy, you’ll also be learning new skills that will help you see yourself and the world differently. You’ll learn how to distinguish between situations you can change and those you can’t and how to focus on improving the things within your control.’ American Psychological Association, Understanding psychotherapy and how it works Last updated: July 31, 2020 Date created: November 1, 201232 min read
It’s important to get clear about what you can manage inside of you, like your thoughts, perceptions, responses to what happens in the outside world.
When you reach this place, your healing and growth accelerate. This is empowerment.
Coming to terms with what you have been through is tough and necessary to start healing. Blaming others, blaming your circumstance or blaming yourself, while it is a natural reaction, is not the way you’ll be able to move forward.
In our last post we discussed nervous system regulation and how it can impact your mental and emotional health. Now let’s cover how to support your nervous system and develop habits to cope before stressful situations occur. How to Know your sympathetic nervous system …