The holidays are approaching and it can be one of the most activating times of year. You already know you can’t control what Uncle Joe says at the Thanksgiving table or what your mom says about your partner or your parenting. So how can you preserve your emotional wellbeing during family gatherings?
Realistic Expectations
We would all like to pretend that everything will be all rainbows and butterflies at the family holiday gathering but the truth is there will probably be some moments of tension or times when you disagree. It’s not realistic to think that a family member who has gotten under your skin in the past won’t do it again this year, so be prepared for it. Go in with a positive attitude but know that there may be uncomfortable moments, and that’s okay.
“It is normal for there to be disagreements, differences in opinions, and emotional fluctuations within family units and family gatherings. Spend some time preparing by mentally allowing for imperfections to arise.”
(Meiners, Tony. “A Mental Health Plan for Family Gatherings.” The MH Collective. www.themhcollective.com/a-mental-health-plan-for-family-gatherings-dr-tony-meiners/#:~:text=SET%20REALISTIC%20EXPECTATIONS%3A%20It%20is,on%20enjoying%20the%20positive%20moments.)
Think about how you will respond and be ready with a plan (how you’d like to respond, if you’re going to step away, etc) so you don’t react impulsively, fly off the handle and say something you will regret. We love our family but we don’t always see eye to eye, especially on some of the sensitive topics like politics, religion, etc. This holiday season may also bring some new tension because of the election. Decide before you arrive how you want to handle it if that topic comes up.
The only thing you can control is your reaction, you can’t control what other people say or do. The easiest solution is to make a statement (maybe a boundary, maybe an acknowledgement like “I know you have strong opinions/feelings about that”), change the topic or walk away.
Be an Observer
When you are observing, you are learning instead of reacting, and this can be a good strategy to use during the holidays with the family. Don’t isolate yourself or refuse to interact, but take some time to take in the environment and check the “vibe” instead of jumping right in and feeding into any negativity.
People communicate and interact differently sometimes in big groups, so a family member who is typically one way with you alone, could act another way when others are around. That’s not always a bad thing but it’s something to think about and make sure you don’t get caught off guard by.
Hopefully you and your family feel comfortable around each other and can speak freely during conversations. This is good but sometimes it can lead to you letting your guard down and getting your feelings hurt when a family member expresses their thoughts and it stepped on your toes; or their honest opinions could make you angry if they don’t align with yours. Sometimes just listening and observing is a good idea so you don’t get caught up in a disagreement.
The information you gather by observing will help you understand yourself “oh, that’s why I get uncomfortable around this person or this topic” or “wow, I never realized how anxious my mom is and how that makes me anxious”. These are great insights to bring to therapy.
Set Boundaries
Go into your family gatherings knowing what your boundaries are and don’t be afraid to maintain them.
If there are topics you are not willing to discuss at the family gathering because they are triggering, then set a boundary. You don’t have to announce this to everyone when you arrive, but if it comes up be prepared to say, “I don’t want to talk about that” and then change the topic. If they push the issue, ask them to respect your wishes and if they don’t, then walk away.
A good boundary to have for yourself is to limit alcohol. Too much alcohol consumption can lead to poor judgment and then you may say or do things that you typically wouldn’t do. A lot of confrontations can be avoided if alcohol is removed from the equation. You may not be able to keep others from drinking too much but you can control how much you drink.
Time boundaries can also be important and helpful to maintain your well-being. If you have to leave at a certain time, don’t let your family guilt you into staying longer. If the gathering does become tense and you realize your emotional well-being is deteriorating, don’t force yourself to stay. Leave before you get to a point that the situation turns into a bad one.
Family time is awesome but it can also be stressful. If you prepare yourself and go into your family gatherings with a plan for how to take care of yourself and deal with any stress that arises, you can make the most of the time you have together.
If family interactions do take a toll on your emotional well-being and you need guidance to deal with it, contact us, we can help.
