Sometimes it may feel like you are talking to a brick wall and your kids hear nothing you are saying. But you can rest assured that they are listening and they are always watching! So what are the things they are secretly watching that maybe you haven’t really thought about, and why does it even matter?
How you talk about yourself
Your kids learn how to treat themselves by watching how you treat yourself, and that includes what you say about yourself.
“Whether you lift yourself up or criticize yourself in the mirror, they’re listening. Your self-talk becomes their inner voice.” (Kim, Carol [parenting.resilience]. “Ten Things your Kids Secretly Watch you do as a Parent.” *Instagram, January 11, 2025. www.instagram.com/p/DEsjv-kRky0/?img_index=3&igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D)
If you are constantly saying that you are fat, or talking about one of your failures or mistakes, then you are tearing down someone that they love and that hurts them. Likewise, it would hurt you to hear them talk bad about themselves. So don’t give them a reason to think that negative self-talk is normal or okay.
Practicing positive affirmations is a good way to manage emotions so that you can reduce negative self-thoughts and self-talk. Doing this with your kids can be a great exercise to shape their self-esteem and boost their confidence.
You are not perfect, no one is, and you shouldn’t make your kids think that you are. You can be honest without talking down about yourself. It’s okay to share with them some of your insecurities or struggles, but you can balance it by telling them what you are doing to overcome them. If you achieve something or overcome something you have been struggling with, celebrate it so that they can see that celebrating yourself is okay.
How you handle stress
As a parent you are going to deal with stress and it’s okay for your kid to see that. But you want them to see you use positive coping skills because they are learning strategies from you on how to deal with difficult situations.
If you shut down when you are stressed or lash out at them or others, then most likely they will do the same; which means you will be creating an unhealthy cycle of a negative stress response in your family. They also may internalize your response and think that whatever stress you are experiencing is their fault.
“While it can be uncomfortable for your child to see you get upset, being able to watch you self-soothe and put words to your experience (“I’m sad about some news I heard today, so I’m going to talk it over with a friend”) can be helpful and reassuring.” (Klein-Baer, Rosa. “How to Model Healthy Coping Skills.” Child Mind Institute. February 20,2025. www.childmind.org/article/how-to-model-healthy-coping-skills/)
Explain to your kids that sometimes stress can trigger strong emotions and there is nothing wrong with feeling those emotions, but it may take time and practice to develop the emotional maturity needed to react positively. Emotional maturity is a topic we have discussed in previous blogs, we covered it for adults and kids.
How you treat others
Whether it’s your spouse or a stranger at the grocery store, your kids are watching how you interact with and treat others. At home you may get frustrated with your partner and be tempted to lash out by making a comment under your breath or rolling your eyes. But remember if you do, it won’t go unnoticed by your kids. Seeing you react this way when you get frustrated will make them think that it’s okay for them to also react that way to the people they love and care about. It’s important to model kindness and choosing adaptive ways to deal with your frustrations at home, so that the behaviors they imitate are positive ones.
It’s just as important to model this kindness in public when you are interacting with strangers. Kids who witness their parents being rude to the waitress in a restaurant, or talking down to the cashier at the store will grow up to be adults who do the same thing. One day your child may grow up to be that waitress or cashier and you wouldn’t want people treating them poorly. So start showing them at a young age that all people, even strangers, should be treated with respect and kindness.
If they see that you value helping others that are in need, then they will grow up valuing other people and doing what they can to make a difference in the world. Take them to volunteer, make cards for people who are sick, let them see you drop some money in the donation pail at Christmas time. This will create a ripple effect and if they see you helping out they will become helpers too.
You are literally your child’s living guide book to life and they are soaking up the lessons every day. We all know that actions speak louder than words, so show your kids how to live a healthy life where they treat themselves and others with compassion.
If there are things this illuminated that you’d like to work on so your kids learn from you about how to talk to themselves, handle stress or treat others, we’re here to support you. Contact us here.
